The (three-hour!) finale begins on an oddly solemn note, with host Jesse Palmer breaking the silence by saying he was hoping for a happy ending for Gabby and Rachel, but “things haven’t turned out that way.” Ouch. He refers to the “scandal and betrayal” that will follow, directly hinting at Tino’s “indiscretions” and Erich’s “text messages.” Yes. He takes the two ladies out for an awkward hi, and then we’re off to Mexico with Gabby seriously moving after Erich tells her he wants to date first before getting engaged. She is firm: “I need him to propose.” But after he tells her how devastated he would be if they broke up, she softens a bit and seems reassured that they can work it out. We think! Rachel, meanwhile, goes to see how Tino is doing after her breakup with Even and says he’s “amazing, no doubt about it, usually.” Okay, this guy has way more confidence than any human should ever have, but Rachel brushes past that and tells him he’s the only man left, and they share a bunch of happy kisses. We can’t help but notice, though, that Rachel isn’t smiling as she watches it on the live show. Back in Mexico, she and Gabby share a giddy champagne toast together and gush about their respective beaus and how sure they are of them. Rachel even says of Tino, “If it’s not him, I don’t know who it could be.” Yep, we’re in for some serious disappointment here, folks. Buckle. It’s time for Rachel’s final rose ceremony and she and Tino are excited as they hold hands. (We were kind of robbed of knowing who the finalists are earlier, weren’t we, Bachelor Nation?) She rattles off all the things she loves about him, and he tells her what they have “will never go away.” (Honestly, we can barely hear them over the rushing fountain and the ominous screeching of birds in the background. It’s a sign!) It looks sweet and all, but Rachel and her family have death looks on their faces on the live show, so we know it’s all a bunch of lies. Tino gets down on one knee and proposes, and she says yes, and…yes? We are as happy as Rachel looks right now watching this. “This is the happiest moment of my life,” says a tearful Rachel… and that just means it’s all downhill from here. On the live show, Rachel explains what happened next: “It was really great for a while” between her and Tino, but they “had a rough time” around the time the show premiered. She says she tried to keep their relationship together, but “I just didn’t feel that support” from him. She hoped they could patch things up by the finale, but then Tino expressed some vague concerns about “relationships from the past,” and in the end, Rachel reveals, “it didn’t really work out. He cheated on me.” We cut to Rachel being comforted by Gabby, who advises her to “kick him in [bleep]putting balls.” (She’s a friend now!) Rachel also says that Tino told her “I’m sorry I told you that,” which is…not great! (We just want to say that we never trusted Tino in the first place and we feel very smug right now.) Tino reaches for a tense seat, admitting that he “messed up” and “kissed another girl” — but did that make him want Rachel more? Also, it was “the tiniest thing ever”, so why are we talking about it? He even brought his journal with him so he could report to Rachel the things he said that made him think they had broken up. When he says he refused to go to therapy, she says it’s a lie, and they fight back and forth for a while in a nasty way. He finally storms off, with the two lashing out at the producers and Tino crying: “Tell her to break up with me. Let me out.” He eventually comes back, but sticks to his story about how “tiny” what he did was, and Rachel sees red. When she catches him in the lie, he acts confused and then walks away again, forcing her to kick him out and to demand answers. He begs for another chance, promising to make it up to her. But he declares, “I’m done,” handing him back his ring to thunderous applause from the live audience. Tino walks away in shame… and we like to clap, too. After an awkward recap with Jesse, in which Rachel adamantly says she still doesn’t love Tino (and her dad Tony looks ready to punch Tino in the face), they take Tino out for the post-breakup ritual — and actually frowned upon! He initially apologizes for everything, but he’s still mincing words and defending himself, and Rachel is having none of it. When he mentions again how she thought they were broken up, she gets angry, asking, “You want to deal with this?” He hints at personal stuff they’ve worked out since their previous confrontation (hmmm) and makes it very clear: “We were never on a break.” (Where’s Ross Geller when we need him?) Tino is gasping for air here and the live audience is ready to gas him until Jesse mercifully cuts him off. But look who’s here! It’s Aven! He walks out to thunderous applause, with Tino peeking on nearby, and offers his condolences to Rachel, asking her if she wants to “get out of here and catch up.” She happily says yes, and they leave together, leaving Jesse awkwardly standing there with Tino. So did the producers feel bad about putting Rachel through two devastating breakups within a year, so they made a contrived “happy ending” that won’t last a week? Probably! Even Jesse says, “That’s so weird.” Finally, after all that, it’s Gabby’s turn. She’s still worried that Erich isn’t ready to get engaged, but she trusts what they have, and they’re all smiles when they meet at the final rose ceremony — but those birds are screaming again! Is this another omen? Erich knows she needs someone who is completely by her side and “I want to be that person for you.” And he takes the plunge, asking her to marry him — and she says yes! We sure love these two, but after all this mess with Rachel, we’re also a little squeamish. Will they make it to live? What’s up with those text messages Jesse mentioned? Back on the live show, he tells us that “it wasn’t all rosy” from that proposal … and we’re just bracing ourselves at this point. However, Erich shares a hot kiss with Gabby when he joins the live show, so everything looks great. (And his mullet is gone!) They explain their proposal, and it looks like they’re still together, thank goodness. But Jesse touches on their problems a bit, telling Erich about an ex-girlfriend of his who he claims he broke up with just to go on the show and “get a career shot.” Jesse even puts their text messages up on the big screen (!), with Erich telling the girl that the show is “not real.” But that was before she came on the show, Erich points out, and she didn’t think she’d meet someone like Gabby. He admits that he didn’t handle this breakup well and Gabby knows it. But he seems to accept his explanation, and the crowd is behind them — and hey, we need a happy ending, dammit! So… we still have an hour left, sort of? Jesse kills some time by asking Gabby about her new stint on Dancing With the Stars and turning their advice to three former Bachelorettes. (Neither of whom are with their last men yet, but whatever!) Plus, we meet the new Bachelor — Rachel’s ex Zach — and they even kick off the new season early, with Zach meeting his five potential wives live and viewers vote at home via tweets to give Brianna a first impression rose. However, Zach didn’t get off to a good start as Jesse asked him to remember some of the girls’ names next. Well, you’ve got four months to practice, man! Any thoughts on that chaotic Bachelorette finale? How do we feel about Zach being the Bachelor? Hit the comments and share your thoughts.
